Understanding the Differences Between Helpful and Unhelpful Counseling in Divorce

Counseling is a valued and soothing way to help couples transition from the challenging phase of divorce. However, some misuse this process, causing more pain and regret to divorcing couples. The negative impact of wrong counseling is more significant in high-conflict divorces. 

This article discusses how to understand the differences between helpful and unhelpful divorce counseling:

Engaging in Individual Counseling

No matter how much we try to court it, separation and divorce are highly emotional moments. That is why getting help to manage your daily living during this critical phase is advisable. 

An ideal counselor is empathetic even when their client’s emotions rage and seem overwhelming. The counselor will enlighten the client on why the divorce happened. They will also sort out each party’s part in the divorce. The essence of this process is to make the individual grow and embrace the next chapter. 

This individual counseling is particularly beneficial to an individual just coming out of an abusive relationship. They will know the warning signs of an abusive personality to avoid in future relationships. 

Conversely, individual counseling becomes unfruitful and helpful when the client uses the entire session to blame the other party without taking cognizance of one’s pitfalls. Growth will never happen when the counselor corroborates the client’s submission. This means the process may repeat itself if the client enters another relationship. 

In every divorce situation, both parties have their faults. An ideal counselor must be able to tell their client the truth. Point out any ill behaviors to them and how to correct them to enjoy subsequent relationships.

Furthermore, it is unhelpful for a counselor to write to the court during litigation, emphasizing the client’s innocence and blaming the other party that they have never met. Many letters are weighty, and some counselors still indulge in this act. 

Let a neutral evaluator handle this aspect of the case for objectivity. An abusive and dishonest client can mislead a therapist to wrongly indict the other partner and gain custody of the child. The counselor will wrongly assume they are helping their client but ultimately instigating further crisis in the divorce process. 

The Perspective of Couples Counseling

Despite the apparent fact of separating or divorcing, you can still hold a couple’s counseling session. It will help you know the best way to handle the transition in your family. Couples counseling helps to ensure peaceful parting and cooperative co-parenting. 

However, couples counseling can become unfruitful when a spouse has a personality disorder. In other words, the partner sees themselves as blameless, unwilling to change, and consistently pointing an accusing finger at the other person. A joint counseling session in this regard will not achieve the desired objectivity. 

A therapist may be reinforcing dysfunction when they try to deal with both parties as equal contributors to the crisis when that is not the matter. This approach can empower an abusive and manipulative partner. It can also make the target spouse feel more helpless.

The Standpoint of Individual Child Counseling

Most times, children are the biggest victims of divorce. You can help your children during divorce by linking them with a therapist to discuss their thoughts and feelings. The child can speak freely with the counselor because they do not have the burden of offending either parent when voicing their resentment about a parent’s attitude and stating their opinions. 

This context is particularly proper for pre-teens and teenagers in their formative stages. At this point, they try to form their identity and stamp their feet on life. 

However, individual child counseling can be unproductive when a parent has drawn the child into the crisis and gotten the “support” of the child. In this context, a parent can counsel the child without their partner’s consent. Alternatively, the court may order individual counseling to overcome the child’s resistance to the other parent. 

“Individual child counseling becomes unhelpful if it reinforces their sentimental alliance with a parent. Some therapists promote this unethical behavior by endorsing the child’s ill opinions about the other parent. This compromise does not soften the child’s resistance in most cases,” says Paul Riley of The Riley Divorce & Family Law Firm.

The counseling session might abruptly end if the therapist attempts to help the child develop a healthy view of both parents. Thus, do not attempt individual child counseling if you are unsure of its benefits. Avoid it if it will reinforce the crisis. 

The Context of Parent-Child Counseling

Some divorce matters are replete with emotional and physical abuse cases by either parent against their child. The child may refuse to see such a parent. The abusive parent and the child may benefit from a joint counseling session in this instance. 

Conversely, a child may resist seeing a parent due to parental alienation when the “favored” parent has shown negative behavior, and the child has accepted it against the “rejected” parent. 

The favored parent would have told the child many derogatory things about the rejected parent. The child would see the rejected parent as the sole cause of their troubles. The court often orders a “reunification” therapy between the rejected parent and the child. 

However, this counseling often fails. Experts believe the favored parent must also be involved in the therapy session to achieve the desired success. If not, the reunification will only harden the child’s heart against the rejected parent. Instead of the aimed love, you will end up further igniting the feeling of hatred and resentment. 

Final Thoughts

There is no denying that counseling is a helpful tool in separation and divorce. It helps all parties in the divorce process grow and manage their emotions well. It also brings a professional perspective to the matter. 

However, biased counseling targeted at gaining an advantage in the separation or divorce process will only worsen things. Sentimental counseling breeds resistance and causes further crises in the divorce process. 

Hence, all concerned parties must be aware of this fact. You must carefully differentiate between growth-oriented counseling and a crisis-laden one. When you have successfully differentiated between helpful and unhelpful counseling, you will know how to inquire about the right help.